I know who I am. Do you know who you are? (A letter.)

Dear You,

Deep down, I have always been a good person, at heart. As have you. But we’re both “drama queens” of a sort. We can both from time to time get so overwhelmed by our own emotions and the trials and tribulations of our own lives that we seem to be trying to eclipse those around us; it seems to be “all about” us. But we can also turn around and be so comforting, appreciative, and supportive of others; we can make someone feel like he/she is the center of our worlds and that no one could ever be as important or as wonderful. People have fallen in love with us for that very reason.

“What I am is what I am.
Are you what you are or what?”

We can both be bitches. And there are times when the best thing you can be is a bitch, no apologies, no regrets. There are moments when people need to be put in their place, knocked off their high horse, and we’re damn good at the job. We know how to throw down when it comes to letting people know they’re out of line, and we are fiercely loyal; when the ones we love are wronged, we rush to their aid and eviscerate the offenders with the speed and ferocity of a Great White.

“I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way.“

But careless… careless I try not to be. And I care when I hurt those I care about, and am devastated when I hurt those I LOVE. You don’t seem to care too much. Or if you do, you have a funny way of showing it. While I go out of my way to try and mend the wounds I cause, to truly understand where I went wrong and make things right, you seem to want a simple apology to suffice in wiping your slate clean, or worse, you want whatever trauma you are experiencing at home to excuse those actions of yours that cause others pain. That ain’t cool.

“both my parents taught me about good will
and i have done well by their names
just the kindness i've lavished on strangers
is more than i can explain
still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so i would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
till i'd passed and left them alone

i'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and i would like to state for the record
i did everything that i could do
i'm not saying that i'm a saint
i just don't want to live that way
no, i will never be a saint
but i will always say

squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said”

Four and a half years ago, the best man I know pointed out that I was an amazing human being, but that I was making mistakes. He told me to get real, stop hiding, and be strong. He helped me see that I was worthy, and because of his care, I became a better human being… and was able to then help him become better too. Before him, I would make mistakes that I knew would hurt others, so I would lie to cover them up. But then I realized how wrong this was and got to the root of why it kept happening. Now I simply don’t make those kinds of mistakes.

“and god help you if you are a phoenix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying past.”

It’s scary to change. When you become a better person you take on a huge responsibility: to STAY a better person. I know that must be scary for you, that challenge. I know it would be easier to just shut out the people in your life that have hurt you or that you have hurt. I know it would take less work to visit a shrink for prescription refills only, and not really talk through your problems to break the cycle. I know you probably would like to just stay a spoiled brat (your words, not mine) for as long as you can.

I know I’m not perfect. Far from it. I have a short temper, I am stubborn as a mule, I hold grudges way too long, sometimes for really silly little things (I’m becoming more and more like my grandmother every day in that respect), and I’m one of the most impatient people I know. I need way more attention and positive reinforcement that I should. I can be very greedy and selfish and I’m (hands down!) the most emotional person I can think of, but that seems to help my acting so I’ll let that slide.

But careless… careless I’m not. And certainly not when it comes to hurting those I love.

Sincerely,
someone you love…
that you hurt.