The letter itself

Courtesy of "The Proprietor" (Thanks, T!!!!!!!!!!!)

1st Letter From Squeaky... hopefully not the last!

She said "Assassins" makes her "look like a true fool." I wrote her back and assured her that I MYSELF do NOT think her a fool.

"I may've set myself up for that," she says, "but I don't celebrate it. The writers had and have very specific messages to convey. Your director will also have his take on it."

About Bravin's book she says, "Biographies are bound to be off the mark, subjects used peripherally to express a message, even more so. History is re-written every two or three decades."

And then she breaks my heart: "But I still love, and that includes respect for air, water, and the network of life on earth that keeps us alive. And I still value those things more than all the world's trading commodities. What could be more simple?" SO TRUE! That part of her has always amazed and inspired me. She then signs the letter, as if it is done, but continues on the next page. I had written to her about my dear friend who passed away (see posting "Tis Better..." from April). She writes, "I am sorry about your friend. We are fortunate to know the experience." Wise words. I imagine that maybe she is thinking about people who are incarcerated separately from her, not necessarily people who have died also.

Back to the biography, “It would be difficult for me to dissect the Bravin book in a few short paragraphs. There are parts of it that are totally wrong but I know it wasn’t his intention to trash me. (The writing, especially early on, is sappy and the reasons he gives for some things, silly). . .Bravin makes some untrue assumptions about Manson. He makes the understandable error of trying to sum up reasons for my actions based upon untrue statements from my former associates; I barely knew Rachel. I think she may believe that my dad had sex with me and she thinks she heard me suggest it, but it wasn’t even fashionable then to talk about incest, and I certainly wouldn’t entertain it. My father was emotionally abusive; he wasn’t physically abusive unless by omission. And I didn’t say he was. I wasn’t clinging to her as she says. Sorry, but that wasn’t me. I didn’t need someone to sleep with me. I’d been away from my parents’ house for over a year when I met Rachel. . .I’m not saying I was fearless and bold and experienced. I was timid about some things but proceeding cautiously with enough gumption to handle the new situations. . .I wish I could remember all the things in Brain’s book that were so offensive to me. Much of it wasn’t and I am relieved not to have to explain to anyone that I didn’t engage in bestiality or in any of the many weird activities falsely attributed to us by loose reporters.” (I love the way she casually uses “us,” assuming I know who she means, which I do.)

She then asks me to send her a picture of me, which I did this morning… I hope many more letters are to come!

!!!!!!!!

She wrote me back!!!!!! I am so happy!!!!!!! More soon.

Squeaky Part 21: Squeaky at 21 Years Old

More from Jeff Bravin’s astonishing biography of Squeaky:

“…Lyn was the Family’s heartbeat and its mother hen. Wherever she went, so went the center of the Family; other members came to her to recharge their faith when it ebbed, or to cool down when their tempers flared. Unlike some members of the group, whose seething disaffection or unpredictable quirks made them difficult to deal with, Lyn could move through both the straight world of police and lawyers, and the underground circles where the Family felt most at home. . .She also seemed quite a world apart from the violence with which so many members of the Family had been charged. Despite all that had happened, Lyn remained obsessed by the message of love, as if the murders were nothing but a contradictory footnote to a much grander story. She attributed them. . .”to some part of the emperor [Manson] she did not understand.” Though she sometimes tried to talk tough, she was to Fitzgerald [one of the Family’s defense lawyers] the “petal of a flower, floating around. . .a sexual little girl. A very loving little girl. . .a perpetually lost orphan,” but Fitzgerald depended on her [to help him with his defense] and since she was far from dependable, he would have to get after her. “Godammit, Squeaky, you gotta straighten out here!” he would say. . .she would just shrug her shoulders and roll her twinkling eyes. “Oh Paul, you know- that’s just me…”

I don’t think she ever really understood the violence, or took it seriously; it was as if she was in denial of the crimes and the threats. Maybe she wasn’t involved in any of the murders, not just because Charlie didn’t instruct her to be, but because she didn’t want to be a part of that ugliness. I believe she purposefully left a bullet out of the chamber of her Colt 45 when she went to threaten Ford. I believe, as she contended during her trial, that she wanted to scare him, not kill him.

As crazy as she may have been, I don’t think Squeaky was a killer…

Squeaky Part 20: The Party's Over

Charles Manson’s “family” started out so peacefully, so simply; they lived, they loved, the dropped acid and admired the earth and its creatures. Charlie preached appreciation of nature and freedom of spirit to his girls. He taught them that they were beautiful, without make-up or jewelry, and that they should enjoy their bodies and others. Together, they showed how much perfectly good food and supplies the world was wasting, by living off what others threw out. They were free of most of what drives the rest of the conservative, corporate world crazy.

They had a good thing going, as far as I’m concerned! I would’ve loved to have been a part of that when it first began, when it was pure and playful, if I’d been about 18 at that time.

So how did it go SO wrong?

Well for several reasons: their secluded peaceful existence was put under strain by frequent police visits, for one thing. Cops were constantly raiding the ranch under the suspicion that the group had stolen vehicles or supplies; they couldn’t believe that people would give these “hippie freaks” gifts, or worse yet, that they had merely been discarded, free for the taking. Then, a few of the group had drug deals go badly with some unfortunate characters (Black Panthers, to be exact). And then, what I consider the most signifigant turning point: the group started taking less and less halucinagenics and more and more amphetamines. Speed and crank became prevalent in the Manson clan and mixing those drugs with mentally-imballanced and/or abused people, who see main stream society as backwards, is quite the Molotov Cocktail.

LSD makes people enter a new reality, makes them see things in a totally different way; it’s about exploring and altering perception. But uppers make people feel powerful, vengeful, confident in their rage and their ability to change things (violently if necessary).

When Bobby Beausoliel was arrested for killing a man who had sold him bad drugs (and that he sold to a few Black Panthers), the group decided in order to get him out of jail, they would have to commit copycat murders so the cops would think they had the wrong guy. “For love of brother,” they would try to throw the authorities off Bobby’s scent…

A far cry from what Bobby, Charlie and the girls were doing back in the day, just making love, tripping, sleeping, eating, and singing.

Quick break from Squeaky

My new favorite quote:

About being strong but still remaining sensitive as a woman/actress:

"I think if you become too 'thick-skinned' you destroy your sensitivity as an artist." -Barbara Streisand

OH AND BY THE WAY:

DON'T EAT SPINACH PEOPLE!!!!! OVER 112 HAVE GOTTEN VIOLENTLY ILL!!!!!!!!!

Squeaky Sadness...

She still hasn't written me back. After 6 letters. In the last one I even enclosed stamped envelopes and paper. Maybe she's ill. I guess my next step is trying to correspond with Mary Catherine Garrison who played her in the revival and apparently corresponded with her. What did she say that I didn't? Why'd she get letters back and I didn't?

No luck in finding contact info for her yet... *sigh*

=(

Let me just take a second...

I've said it before, but I need to just say it again, really quick: LIFE IS TOO SHORT. TOO MANY OF US DON'T REALLY REALIZE WHAT WE HAVE UNTIL IT IS GONE. All of you, I beg of you, LET THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE KNOW THAT YOU LOVE THEM. VALUE YOUR LIFE AND YOUR BLESSINGS. DON'T TAKE THINGS FOR GRANTED. DON'T PUT OFF UNTIL TOMORROW THE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO TODAY. And never underestimate how much someone can mean to someone else...

O.k., I'm done. Take it to heart, people. Peace out.

Squeaky: Part 19

The scariest thing I've learned so far about Squeaky? I can totally understand how she fell in love with Charles Manson. I'm not talking about the off the wall grizzly bear, rotting in a jail cell today, I'm talking about the zen hippie lover she met 40 years ago. I mean first of all, look at that cowboy! And he knew how to make his women feel good, he was honest with them, and apparently terrific in bed. But most importantly, early on, he actually had some damn good ideas and philosophies about life!

One account really struck me. Charlie and the girls pick up a hitchhiker. After talking for a moment, Charlie offers to trade the guy all the money in his pocket for all the money in his own. The guy refuses repeatedly. Then Charlie asks the guy how much he has. $3.75. And Charlie? He whips out a roll of twenties, totally about a thousand dollars. Explaining why he would've made the trade, Charlie said:

"This stuff's not important. There's no security in it. The security's in you. See as long as you hang on to it like that, that's all you got."

Lyn mused later, "[People like the hitchhiker] will die clutching their high school rings, with a bank-full of money and yesterday's papers stashed in the garage- still unsatisfied. They will wonder why their life was unfulfilled, and hope to go to heaven, when they could have made a heaven right here, would that they feel the pleasure of giving."

Amen.

"Sympathy For The Devil"

Squeaky asks Hinkley if he can play the song once she realizes he can play guitar in "Assassins."

I'm starting to see why.

Let's face it people: NO ONE IS BORN A MASS MURDERER.

I know I've been talking a lot about fathers being good to their daughters.

Well mothers need to be good to their sons too, obviously.

“You have to have a license to drive a car, but any asshole can have a kid.” No shit.

Manson’s mommy was a career criminal by the ripe old age of 16 when she gave birth to him. She petitioned for child support from the man she claimed was his father, but daddy never paid up. Due to her incarceration for robbery and prostitution, she was unable to care for her child and he was shipped off to her sister in West Virginia. A small child, Manson was tormented by his uncle for being weak, and forced to wear girls’ clothes to school. He ran away, back home to his mother, shortly afterwards, but she didn’t want him because her new boyfriend (pimp?) thought he was a burden. Manson was put in reform school.

There, at the age of 12, he was assaulted and raped by a gang of older boys. His first foray into crime was stealing a car to escape from this hell. He was sent back upon capture. A year later he raped a younger boy, holding a razor blade to his jugular.

CRIMINALS ARE MADE, NOT BORN, FOLKS.

Despite the fact that it’s one of my favorite movies, there’s actually no such thing as “Natural Born Killers.”

Beautiful little Lyn...

Being any young woman, no matter how beautiful, can be difficult. So much of her self worth revolves around her appearance. The mirror can be a vessel that holds such distortion, such hatred. Looking in it can be the hardest part of a girl's day, especially without positive reinforcement from loved ones.

Before Squeaky tried to assassinate Ford, Charles Manson was in prison for a while and she felt helpless, wanting to do something to get him out, unsure of how. At one point she began writing a book about “the family.” In it she details her first meeting with Manson and her first year with him, a time of love, release and exploration.

She talks about how Charlie was the first man to make her feel beautiful and sexy, the first man to really MAKE LOVE to her: to make sex feel loving.

She says that the first person to make her feel ugly was her father and hints at sexual abuse. Other men followed, always making her feel used, but she took any attention she could get rather than be left alone…

“Every girl should have a daddy like Charlie. Should! Deserves! to have a daddy like Charlie,” she exclaims in Hendrickson’s documentary.

Charlie aside, every little girl does deserve to have a daddy that makes her feel beautiful, precious, special and adored. Without that…

well, they could turn out like Squeaky.

Part 16: 18

She was 18 when her father threw her out for good. Three weeks from the completion of her first semester in college, he ordered her out of his house with only some books and cosmetics.

True, 18 is legally an adult and many young people live on their own at 18, even younger. But many of them get a warning, a chance to prepare.

When I was 18 I left home, but I was still so dependent on my parents. Hell, years after college I was still very dependent on them, and even now, even though I make my own money, live on my own and am pretty self-sufficient, I would feel lost if I didn't have my parents to turn to in an emergency; they are my safety net, my support system.

I cannot imagine what it would be like to be rejected by them... I can't imagine how alone and worthless Squeaky must have felt that day on the beach... no wonder it was so easy for Manson to collect her and make her his own.

Squeaky was the second from the left.

The more I read about Lyn’s father, the more I blame him for her troubles. What kind of father makes his beautiful, happy, charming child turn into somber “zombie” when he comes around? What kind of father squelches his own daughter’s promising artistic talents, forbidding her from joining friends in dance, even when all the other parents are encouraging?

I don’t think a lot of people realize how important a father’s love is to a daughter. A mother’s love is of course vital as well, but a father’s love or lack thereof shapes how that young woman views all men. Lyn’s father’s scorn and neglect sent her in search of a new father figure, a man who WOULD accept and praise her, who WOULD make her feel beautiful and adored…

And her search ended with Charles Manson.

"Charlie" found her on the beach crying after her biological father had thrown her out, and the small amount of concern he showed her, that little bit of caring was all she needed and wanted. She never looked back and eventually grew to worship him and do anything he asked.

If she had only received the love she so desperately craved from her father, maybe she’d never have had to come to school with make-up covering black eyes, maybe she’d never have missed school for weeks, stayed away from home working odd jobs and going on drinking benders…

Maybe she’d never have met Charlie.

Who knows how her life could’ve turned out?

Squeaky: Part 14

Squeaky Part 14
After watching some footage of Squeaky:

Me: “Crazy chick, huh?”
My dad (also an actor): “Yeah, but don’t say that: you can’t PLAY that.”
Me: “Dad, obviously I won’t play her as a total wackadoo; I won’t play her as if SHE thinks she’s crazy. I think as an actress I can recognize that a person isn’t all there mentally and still play that person in such a way that shows she wholeheartedly believes she is 100% sane and on a holy mission…”

Or can I?

The story unfolds...

At our fourth rehearsal (which went great; the cast is UBER-TALENTED and we are already joking around and getting along really well) I talked to a cast member about the biography of Squeaky I’m reading (click the link above for more info). He noted that I seem to grow increasingly fond of her. I agreed, full well knowing how sick it may seem to be fond of a woman who attempted to kill people, ordered others to kill people, and worshipped a madman who preached Hitler-esque theories. But don’t we as actors have to find empathy for the characters we play, try to understand where they’re coming from, and at least find PARTS of them we can love? I mean, as I said before, I could’ve been her! I am more and more convinced the only reason I didn’t venture down her path of violence and hatred was because I have a loving and supportive mom and dad, while hers were a mouse and a monster…

Writing to Red

I also wrote her a second letter... I really hope she writes back; I feel like if I got a letter from her it might unlock some door, show me some secret, something! We shall see...

I know she corresponded with the woman who played her in the Broadway revival, why wouldn't she correspond with me? =(

Rehearsal 3- Finding her voice

We had our first rehearsal doing scene work, not just singing. I am having a lot of trouble finding Squeaky's voice. "Just use your voice," my director said, but I still want to sound like her. I know that most of my tones, and the timber of my voice will work just fine, but I want to at least be able to somewhat mimic her speech patters and match her pronunciation. I guess it will just take time and a lot of listening to recordings. *sigh* I guess I'm just frustrated because I am able to perfectly mimic a few voices so easily and I wish such was the case with Squeaky.

"Diggers"

Quick plug...

Rehearsal 2

2nd rehearsal today. Met my Hinkley and sang through "Unworthy..." Our (awesome) musical director and I started out the day talking about how we didn't like they way they switched harmonies at the end in the original production and ended the rehearsal by switching them anyway, because it sounds really great with ME & THIS Hinkley doing it! ;D

Met some of the rest of the cast- I've met all but 3 now I think. Not a weak link in the bunch. I am over the moon about this show already. Another cast member called us "the cream of the crop of NJ theatre." YAY! =) "He really knows how to pick 'em." I said of our director.

And I continue to do research about Squeaky. I know it sounds crazy but I feel more and more of a connection to her all the time. I feel like if I knew her I would love her, insanity and all. I really think she just did too many drugs and just was/is really confused.

I continue to see the fine line so many of us walk, staying sane, (relatively) "normal" members of society; just walking through Port Authority today among the bums, the perverts who whisper dirty things to me as I walk by, the crazy bag lady meticulously sorting through her junk and putting it into new, clean plastic bags, I wanted to go nuts too and scream, "YOU DON'T KNOW ME- NONE OF YOU KNOW ME!!! YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT SO DON'T TALK TO ME, DON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME ANYMORE OR I WILL FREAK OUT ON YOU IN A WAY YOU WILL NEVER FORGET!!!!!"

But once again, something inside me didn't let it happen...

CRAZY.

Back to Squeaky

Speaking of wildlife, another thing Squeaky and I have in common is our concern for the environment. She has said that part of the reason she threatened Ford's life was because he wasn't doing enough to save the great redwood forests of California. (She was nicknamed Red because of her concern for the great trees.) I give to environmental charities every year and am really glad that the young people of this country seem increasingly concerned with being eco-friendly.

Quick Break from Squeaky 2

The "Crocodile Hunter" has passed. He died doing what he loved which is what he wanted. And no matter what you make think of him personally, it is undeniable the amount of work he did on behalf of wildlife. He was a champion of animals and a great educator; he will be missed. R.I.P., S.I.- hope there are lots of crocs for you to wrestle in heaven.

Quick Break from Squeaky 1

Paris Hilton was arrested for drunk driving. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me there aren't any people left who think she is a role model!!!

Rehearsal 1

I had my first rehearsal. I met the man playing Byck and introduced myself. "Hi! I'm playing Squeaky!"

"Of course you are," he replied, "Just look at you!"

My brother and cousin also commented that I squeak just like Squeaky.

And in learning the music I noticed how many times she talks of wanting people to listen, which I'm always saying.

If any of those who know me notice any other similarities, I'd love you to share them. (Be nice though! Try to avoid stating the obvious like, "You're both crazy!!!" ;)